I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
