I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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