No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
