I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
