Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
