i barfeds in our rink
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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