Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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