Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Randomize
