I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize