Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize