i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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