Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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