Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
