what day is it and did you see me today?
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize