His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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