This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
