I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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