oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
