i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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