Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Randomize
