return my video game
So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
