We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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