The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
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