I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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