I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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