Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
