I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
