mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
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