I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
it hurts more in the daytime
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
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