Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I would ride that face into the sunset
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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