I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
