I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
