i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
