Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
