Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Randomize
