I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
The beer is more important than you right now.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
