oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Randomize