I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Randomize
