he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Randomize
