Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
