My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize