I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
