Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
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