I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
it glows. i had to have it.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize
