As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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