i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
FUCK WHALES
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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