Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
