I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
