Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Randomize
