pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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