I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
