at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I take back everything I said about communal showers
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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