there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
