I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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