last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Found the puke drawer
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
