my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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