New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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