Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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