she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Randomize